Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Unholy Blashphemies?

Every once in a while, you come across someone that reminds you that your lousy opinions are all worthless and weak, and you should just stop offering them on your stupid blog until you can get your act together.

And goddamned if that guy doesn't produce Coverkiller Nation.

I just might be in love with The Coverkiller.

If Jim Cornett reviewed metal albums, he's do it just like the Coverkiller does.

If John McLaughlin hosted a Sunday morning roundtable analysis show about metal, the Coverkiller would smack that smirk off of Monica Crowley's face, give her still-warm seat cushion a slow sniff, and park his Doritos-fed ass in her chair.

The Coverkiller is Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann and Eddie Trunk, morphed into one supremely opinionated voice.

The CoverKiller has a passion for metal that I can't muster for much of anything in my life, besides maybe drinking Bell's Two Hearted Ale, watching The Soup, and passing out on the couch with my wife on a Friday night.

And, so, I now present to you, the Coverkiller's
EPIC 9:00 rant review of Morbid Angels' long-awaited Illud Divinum Insanus.

Quick primer for the three of you who don't listen to metal: Morbid Angel are one of the definitive death metal bands of all time. They make scary music. And they're good at it.

Last month they released an album that made metal fans very angry. That anger was a very specific type of anger. It was nerd rage.

Nerd rage is that irrational anger that one can only experience when one has obsessively sacrificed significant portions of time, energy and dignity to wholeheartedly waving the flag for some under-appreciated passion, only to be horribly betrayed by the object of their obsession (see also: Van Halen hiring Gary Cherone; Olivia Munn leaving "Attack of the Show"; Lucas dreaming up Jar-Jar-fucking-Binks during a Dr.-Pepper-and-quaaludes-bender, then refusing to edit him out after he sobered up; and every goddamned move that Daniel Snyder has made during his humiliating ownership of the Washington Redskins.)

This, my friends, is a splendid example of nerd rage, and I am very pleased to share it with you.

Do not go to war with the Coverkiller Nation.


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