Saturday, February 9, 2013

Reviews in Bad Taste: Motley Crue in Nine Albums

Bram Teitelman at was kind enough to remember that yesterday was Vince Neil's birthday.  

Personally, I forgot.

He was also kind enough to use this occasion to provide an insightful, funny and thoroughly researched ranking of Motley Crue's best albums. You should read it, because its awesome.

But, personally, I disagree with Bram.  And I felt strongly enough about it to take on the job myself.  


(And since I know most of you won't stick around to read this crap. I did it in descending order.  You're welcome).

# 1. Too Fast for Love

Ooh you're gotta get a big looooove touch!
This record reminds me more than anything else, of Rod Stewart's "Every Picture Tells a Story."


Because, just like "Every Picture," it is fucking killer.  

And, also like "Every Picture," it represents an honest, sometimes rough-around-the-edges account of an artist's best work.  Not the most refined, but the best.

And, finally, just like "Every Picture," the artist(s) who created it were about to cultivate such an outrageously buffonish image that it would soon become nearly impossible to ever ensure the reord would get its due respect.

# 2. Shout at the Devil

We are evil. Your parents will hate us.
Better studio, better gear, better drugs.  (Mostly) better songs.  

All in all, a very solid output, laying a foundation for a fantastic career, enhanced all the more by hiring a crack commando unit to raid John Carpenter and George Miller's wardrobe departments.

# 3. Dr. Feelgood
Remember me how I was, not how I am.
This record has a very large handful of great singles.

You probably remember that the rest is also awesome.  

It isn't.


# 4. Girls Girls Girls

Elektra bought a bike for every good song on the record
On the bright side, the record opens with two of the best songs in the entire Motley Crue catalog.

Move along.  Nothing else to see here.

# 5. Motley Crue

John Corabi: Don't go away mad, just go away
Surprise, Nikki! 

That record you keep trying to forget is better than most of the ones you keep forcing us to remember!

# 6. Generation Swine

Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Ladies and gentlemen, the worst record Cheap Trick never recorded.

# 7 Saints of Los Angeles
We are, we are, we are hoping you'll buy this!

I've been told this album is not all that bad.

I do not believe.

 # 8 Theatre of Pain

Home Sweet Holy Crap This is Awful
If you don't care, why should I?

# 9 New Tattoo
This review is only two words.

 Shit sandwich.

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